There is always a moment when you find yourself in
the eye of the storm, that moment where after being drenched from the
torrential downpour everything is still and you are left cold, wet and alone.
It's after you’ve stopped watching the storm brewing around you that the most
horrifying realization occurs, that you are alone, in your own company.
That moment of stillness is the most overwhelming
and terrifying feeling anyone can experience. You feel raw, stripped and
extremely vulnerable knowing that to get out you will inevitably once again
need to walk back through the storm that YOU have created.
We never really see the storm we have been dancing
in until we are stuck in the eye of it and everyone continues to dance around
you. This cathartic experience creates an epiphany where we find ourselves sitting
up at 3am thinking:
“Wow, I really
need to clean up this mess and get my shit together”
Playwright Aristotle wrote about the cantharis of
tragic protagonists whose misfortune comes to them
not through iniquity or immorality but by some error or flaw in judgment thus
we are compelled to feel pity for them.
This is an experience we can all
shamefully agree to have had. After being caught up in the storm, escaping the
reality of yourself and the mistakes you have made in your past you are
subjected to judgment due to your own lack of judgments. In eye of the storm
you have no choice but to deal with the aftermath of chaos created while you
were on your insidious journey of self-destruction toward finding closure with
your past. Guilt and self-pity result from your lack of preparation for the
criticism you would receive when you judge yourself.
We become almost spiritual in our realization and
it is a moment of self-criticism that is purgation or cleansing of our
soul. We never reveal our epiphany to
anyone, because this is the time when we put on our façade of being the
strongest we can be, and acting like we haven’t been solely responsible in creating
this storm to escape the reality of our past and ourselves.
We seek immediate closure through making drastic life
changes, this decision is made most purely on emotions and the feeling brewing
inside you at some ridiculous hour of the early morning. You focus on the
damage you’ve done- rather than focusing on the changes you are going to make,
you think:
“How am I going
to correct the past?” rather than
“How am I going to move on?”
Should you really be thinking how to right your
wrongs? Or just move on?
Already we are confused between:
Moving on- creating change and between
Correcting our mistakes- focusing on the past.
Mistake one:
Already dwelling on the past. We constantly try to
escape our past, but by doing this we end up dwelling on it and punish
ourselves in order to gain closure, justifying our actions to everyone but
ourselves.
The fist step in finding
closure with your past is forgiveness. However at this point, forgiveness is the
most unnatural of human emotions, rushing to end grief and find closure.
Instead we resort to retribution, and begin once again living for everyone
else, in spite of everyone else, it seems to be a vicious cycle.
Through my blogs it’s a no-brainer
that I discuss issues relevant to myself and use my own personal experiences.
Yes, I do talk through metaphors, use cynical analogies and have candid opinions with
a no-bullshit approach. It is blatantly obviously what my opinion always is in
a hope people can connect through shared views, advice or reality-checks
through my experience.
I decided the only way to go about
this in an open forum, opening myself up to criticism is to be open and raw. It
has taken me many years to develop the audacity to post my opinions and allow
feedback.
This leads me to discuss my approach
to closure for the first time in first person.
In my experience I made many stupid
decisions along my quest for closure, thinking I need that one last
conversation to manipulate someone back into my life, or thinking ill just cut
everyone out, or apologize for sending that stupid text or picture- No I don’t
actually want anything from you, I’m just on a journey of self destruction, but
its ok, because ill continue to justify myself to myself.
When I found myself in the eye of my
own storm I thought running away to escape it would be the best option.
So I went to Perth, Western
Australia…Alone.
It only dawned on me as I was taking
off in the plane what I was actually running away from happened to be the only
thing coming with me. – Myself.
Having an anxiety attack on a 4-hour
plane ride and never having flown before is the most horrific experience I’ve
ever had to go through. I was not at all prepared to spend time isolated in the
middle of Perth with myself.
However I guess I had no choice now,
I could not turn the plane back around. So I learned to deal with it, I
developed an adaptive personality to deal with the range of situations I had
thrown myself in post break up.
Astoundingly this trip turned out to
be the best thing that happened to me. I forgot about Sydney and met so many
amazing people, I realized the world is a lot bigger than my little social hub
back home and grew an open mind to going with the flow-which is a massive deal
for someone with obsessive compulsive disorder.
I learnt to forgive myself, forgive
others and move forward without dwelling on the past at all. I came back
refreshed, relaxed and had met my best friend- Me
People used to tell me “everything
happens for a reason”. If only I had a dollar for every time I said “Bullshit”.
But I can honestly look back now and
tell you we all have choices that we make. We usually know the consequences and
take the risk. But it’s not about the choices we make, its whether or not we
can accept the consequences of those choices.
Now, in spirit of getting all cliché
here, I’m not suggesting you run off to Perth when shit hits the fan, being on
your own is not for the weak, it is extremely difficult. But you are never where
you should not be in your life, you are there to deal with it. Don’t try and
escape your past accept it, learn from it and move forward for yourself not for
everyone else. We worry so much about everyone else, what everyone else is doing,
where they are, updating our feeds with others lives we forget to feed our own
lives and forget who we are, never forget who you are.
Those who stick by you through your
journey are the ones that deserve to remain in your life.
Of course there were times I was
miserable and wanted desperately to return back to 6 months prior- when I was
safe and ignorant to the worlds monsters, because I was my own monster. But the people I know and have now, and
the lessons I have learnt are more valuable than being ignorant and feeling
safe.
So the answer to closure?
Seek forgiveness from nobody but
yourself.
Make goals for you, wake up every day
for you, love you before anyone else and then you will fully understand the way
someone is supposed to love you.
There are no guarantees; you will inevitably still
make mistakes. Storms can always cross our path, but when you are lost you tend
to stay in them longer than someone who is determined to find their way out and
continue on their path. You can’t change your past
but you can always prepare for a better ending.
I shall leave you with the words of Eric
Thomas: I DARE you to spend time on your own.
Anne Archer
May 2014
