M.I.A (Draft)

But the worst pain of all is being in a relationship and feeling completely lost and alone. Losing yourself searching for who you think you want to be.

Nobody ever tells you how scary that is. It's all a façade of happy snap chats and showing-face together. Because deep down it seems like a substitute to real happiness, if you can fool yourself too.  That self that's slowly fading gets easier to hide away.

What is happiness now? It's just the moment right before you need more happiness. 

Then the questions arise, the doubt within the current situation, onset of desiring more happiness: is it greed? Is it addiction?

Isn't this where I'm supposed to be? 

Does this mean I've become complacent,  or maybe they are complacent?

Am I good enough? What's good enough?

Why do I feel so misplaced ? 

Misunderstood? 

Mis... Missing? 

Tearing my two selves apart

Torn between absolute selfless unconditional love, 

And the selfishness it's pain creates.

Anne Archer 

May 2015

Intoxicated

Anne Archer 

It may get weird, but you'll like it.

I never wanted to find someone as weird as me, because that's my forte, that's what makes me so special. 

I wanted to find someone who understands and loves my weirdness. Because that's what makes them so special to me. 

Anne Archer 

April 2015

The Genesis of Cheating

In the beginning God created Adam and Eve. I always wondered why he only created one couple, that's not destiny, fate or any sort of romantic story we believe that couples should come together from. That's just no choice.

But it just made me think, and think, then over think (my standard thinking patten of corse): Maybe this is the root of all relationship issues. Maybe there's something to be said about forcing only ONE couple together in order to populate the earth.

 

Is it human nature that when overwhelmed with choice we tend to make the wrong ones?
we get greedy and complicate things? Are we really monogamous creatures?

Where did this idea evolve from that we associate "true love" with destiny and fate?

What if God created more than one inital couple, would Adam still have supported Eves act of greed and disloyally when she ate the forbidden fruit? If he had a choice would he have walked away and tried his "fate" with someone else? Then it could have been Adam and Sarah.

...but Sarah is really in love with Thomas, who is sleeping with Eve, who is pregnant to Adam.

Now, without being blasphemous- that's a book of Genesis I wouldn't mind getting stuck into.

So I guess cheating was around from the very beginning. Although there was only one couple they still cheated the only other person present- God. Adding people to the equation certainly complicated things.

I mean, when did we decide that it's easier to just end things rather than trying and working to fix them, and why do we think we even have such a choice?

There was a point where I just could not believe that we as humans are born as monogamous creatures, and still don't believe some people are. But now I'm beginning to think we are just greedy creatures who are surrounded by choice and availability to take advantage of.

On the topic of choice, when we have options at a buffet why do we over eat, as opposed to a la carte when 

I'm struggling to not continue my tangent of rhitorical questions for another several paragraphs. I usually have answers, conclusions or some sort of closure. 

But from the advice of my best friend as she read over my blog pre post, I'll just leave it at this. A simple but deep ponder, just thinking out loud in the style ofCarrie  Bradshaw.

Good night lovers, chose wisely, not lazily.

Anne Archer

April 2015

Empty Threats

I'd like to think you could feel threatened by me telling you how easily I can emotionally detach. 

Inevitably, I'll hurt you but I promise never intentionally. 

Because the saddest truth is:

I could never allow myself to emotionally attach in the first place anyway. 

I'm so concerned with protecting myself from exactly what I'm doing to you. 

Anne Archer

April 2015

When you introduced me to insanity.

Anne Archer

April 2015

Your heart will only get dirty if you wear it on your sleeve

Most people have already established their intentions with you before getting to know you. 

When they realise that you will not fulfil their selfish intentions- they will waste no time cutting you off before you've even let them in.

This will be the best thing that happens to you. Waste no time letting them go, they have nothing to add to your value.

Anne Archer

April 2015

Well Balanced Lies

I'm a terrible liar, I'd always be one to over think and your silence is the perfect catalyst for initating my thought process.

I wanted to tell you that slowly, you're breaking me, and if that was your intention, I'd rather you do it sooner than later. We've already made too many memories that are scarred into the walls of my mind for me to miss. 

I was already broken but now you're just trampling over the pieces and crumbling them beyond repair.  

But I didn't say that. Instead I looked into your eyes searching like an addict for some glimpse of your soul that may emerge and touch mine. 

My hopes were shattered when I still found your eyes were hollow, and I took the "sorry" that came from your mouth. Accepting your unexplained apology for your sudden empty and lacking voice and replied with "it's fine". 

I was taught unforgivness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. So I bit my tongue, because just hearing you say "sorry" made it seem as though everything was just "fine".

But I guess I should be the one who's sorry. 

Because as much as you say "sorry" and not mean it, when I say "I'm fine" I hardly ever really am, so are our lies toxic in spite of eachother? Or are they said with intentions to protect ourselves from one another? Either way I can't deny their selfishness. 

Anne Archer 

April 2015

How I met Love

The other night, I finally felt comfortable.

I was laying in his arms, legs draped over his and he moved my hand over his chest, placed it over his heart and held it there. 

The other night I felt my own love.

I always knew how hard and passionately I loved, I always thought its strength may scare someone- with its overwhelming power and lack of fear in conquering.

The other night I felt scared. 

I realised, It was my own love that was being reciprocated. 

It was as hard and passionate as I always believed it to be. It overcame me and I wanted to move my hand, but he held it there, as if he had felt the same and now I need to face and overcome it as he did.

He his hold was comforting.

The other night I felt faith. 

I felt the faith in my love,

He accepted it from me and then shared it with me. 

He overcame it and held my hand because he believed I could too.

I felt it it shoot into my fingers through his chest, into my arm, around my shoulder and down my spine. It woke the butterflies in my tummy, they flew into my head and came to lay in my heart, where the buzzing warmth settled.

The other night I knew I was not only alive, but I was living. I was loving and I was loved. 

The other night I felt love, a love I'd never felt. I recognised it although I'd never really met it, and have felt it every night since. 

Anne Archer 

April 2015

Our choices seal our fate

I didn't "fall" in love with you. 

I walked right into it with you. 

Consciously taking every step along side you. 

I believe in fate and destiny- but I believe we chose our fate, our choices are fated, fate is but the consequence of choice, and we would not be fated with other than what we'd chose regardless. 

And I'd chose you, with my two most inner and vital organs- mind and heart open, I'd chose you. 

Now, tomorrow, in a million years in any lifetime or version of reality; I'd find you, and I'd chose you- forever. 

Anne Archer 

New year- Same me

As cliche as it sounds 2015 has bought about a new year- new attitude that I've comfortably transitioned into. Not new me, but having a new everyone else, eliminating toxic relationships and

bad energies to make room for me and myself.

It's just another calendar date but somehow we all feel it's a justified fresh start. If there's one thing 2015 is already showing me it's that again, the year will fly. It's time to stop the resolution talk and start the resolution action. 

Many of us have made our list of goals that I can guarantee are all looking very tangible right now. 

Something along the broad lines of: Save, Travel, some career change or keeping study focused and something about being healthy.. which involves doing a gigantic shop while in gym apparel for clean foods we will probably never actually bother eating after mid Feburary.

Not so tangible now right? 

It's actually quite overwhelming when you put all these goals into achievable perspective. 

Let me give you a starting point... YOU.

Into my third post-grad degree (that's right, three unfinished uni courses, no degree and a huge debt later) and I have finally found my calling. I guess third time really is the charm. 

The biggest lesson I've taken from 2014 is to 'just go with it'. I put so much pressure and expectations on myself that weren't my own- they were for everyone else. 

Doing an absolute 360 with your life is difficult and sometimes shameful to tell people. Believe it or not, not many people actually know what they want in life, and getting to the point of certainty takes time. However even when you don't know what you want as long as you Just go with it, there is no doubt you will get where you need to be. 

I'm not saying don't set goals. I'm saying don't stress about setting expectations that overwhelm you, because they are clearly not your own expectations. 

Take your time in life, it's easy to go nowhere in a hurry- life is meant to be lived along with your goals. Create a destination but don't miss the journey along the way,  your journey is the only thing that will prepare you for your destination. 

Anne Archer

January 2015