Investing: Quality over quantity

There is a distinct difference between being cocky and being confident and secure.
This creates a thin line between being strong and being insecure.

The facade of a strong, cocky man is common and fools many other fools
who are trying to fool themselves.
But for a strong, secure man these fools are very much transparent.
Easily spotted with their eyes focused on everyone else except their
own happiness, so caught up in creating an image produced out of the
fools around them that their originality is lost in the process.

Can you spot the fools or are you becoming a clone too?
Take a look at how transparent these people are based on their lack of
quality, It’s become so difficult to spot good quality amongst the
imitations however  it’s easy to see the cracks if you just take the
time.

But don't waste your time draining your finances on imitations, and trying
to prove their price to others and yourself- focused only on monetary
value.

They don't last long, they hold no value and are there to impress
everyone else, only producing outgoing negative energy that you will gluttonously indulge in and become a part of- wanting more cheap imitations to compensate for all it lacks.

But originals, well originals feel different, they have an addictive
energy and wit that you crave to be around, that you feed off, that feels
amazing and lasts longer than any imitation will. You’ve worked hard
for it and you’re happy with just the one because you know it will
last and you will never find yourself justifying how genuine it is to
anyone else.
People know by the way you treat it, the way you handle
it and how content you are with it, the important thing is that you
know how real it is.

Invest in quality and benefit in positive value, become strong, truly
strong and secure, because anyone can be just strong. It takes real
strength to be secure.

Pebbles

There is a pebble in my shoe. I feel it in every step I take, it has
bothered me all day, I’ve had many opportunities to take it out but
have not bothered enough to stop, bend down, take my shoe off, find my
balance on one leg and shake out the pebble.

What keeps me almost content about keeping this pebble in my shoe is
the idea that when I get home and take off my shoes I will take it out.

However deep down I know that when I do get home I will be so keen to
get on my Uggs that I probably won’t even take the time to shake out
that pebble, because it’s not bothering me now.

The next time I wear those shoes I will know they have the pebble in
them and slip them straight on continuing with my initial mindset of the day the pebble was first in them.

However what if there was another pebble in there now? Two pebbles.
Would that constitute enough motivation for me to stop, bend down,
take my shoe off, find my balance on one leg and shake out both the
pebbles?

Sometimes we let things go that have such simple solutions initially.
why is it we need to accumulate the pebbles in our shoes before we take
the time to stop, bend down, take our shoe off, find our balance on one
leg and shake out all our pebbles?

I've become somewhat complacent of my pebble, even almost accepting it by walking in a way that accommodates the discomfort so the pebble is a bit more tolerable.

I have every intention of removing it for I know its not meant to be there.
But I need to seize time to stop, feel comfortable enough to take off my shoe, find my own balance on one leg and shake out my pebble so its no longer mine. Left visible on the pavement, put back on my shoe and learn to walk properly once again without my pebble.

Anne Archer
June 2014

An epiphany through catharsis - Forgiving and finding closure with yourself

          There is always a moment when you find yourself in the eye of the storm, that moment where after being drenched from the torrential downpour everything is still and you are left cold, wet and alone. It's after you’ve stopped watching the storm brewing around you that the most horrifying realization occurs, that you are alone, in your own company.

That moment of stillness is the most overwhelming and terrifying feeling anyone can experience. You feel raw, stripped and extremely vulnerable knowing that to get out you will inevitably once again need to walk back through the storm that YOU have created.

We never really see the storm we have been dancing in until we are stuck in the eye of it and everyone continues to dance around you. This cathartic experience creates an epiphany where we find ourselves sitting up at 3am thinking:

“Wow, I really need to clean up this mess and get my shit together”

Playwright Aristotle wrote about the cantharis of tragic protagonists whose misfortune comes to them not through iniquity or immorality but by some error or flaw in judgment thus we are compelled to feel pity for them.

This is an experience we can all shamefully agree to have had. After being caught up in the storm, escaping the reality of yourself and the mistakes you have made in your past you are subjected to judgment due to your own lack of judgments. In eye of the storm you have no choice but to deal with the aftermath of chaos created while you were on your insidious journey of self-destruction toward finding closure with your past. Guilt and self-pity result from your lack of preparation for the criticism you would receive when you judge yourself.

We become almost spiritual in our realization and it is a moment of self-criticism that is purgation or cleansing of our soul.  We never reveal our epiphany to anyone, because this is the time when we put on our façade of being the strongest we can be, and acting like we haven’t been solely responsible in creating this storm to escape the reality of our past and ourselves.

We seek immediate closure through making drastic life changes, this decision is made most purely on emotions and the feeling brewing inside you at some ridiculous hour of the early morning. You focus on the damage you’ve done- rather than focusing on the changes you are going to make, you think:

“How am I going to correct the past?” rather than

 “How am I going to move on?”

Should you really be thinking how to right your wrongs? Or just move on?

Already we are confused between:

Moving on- creating change and between

Correcting our mistakes- focusing on the past.

Mistake one:

Already dwelling on the past. We constantly try to escape our past, but by doing this we end up dwelling on it and punish ourselves in order to gain closure, justifying our actions to everyone but ourselves.

The fist step in finding closure with your past is forgiveness. However at this point, forgiveness is the most unnatural of human emotions, rushing to end grief and find closure. Instead we resort to retribution, and begin once again living for everyone else, in spite of everyone else, it seems to be a vicious cycle.

Through my blogs it’s a no-brainer that I discuss issues relevant to myself and use my own personal experiences. Yes, I do talk through metaphors, use cynical analogies and have candid opinions with a no-bullshit approach. It is blatantly obviously what my opinion always is in a hope people can connect through shared views, advice or reality-checks through my experience.

I decided the only way to go about this in an open forum, opening myself up to criticism is to be open and raw. It has taken me many years to develop the audacity to post my opinions and allow feedback.

This leads me to discuss my approach to closure for the first time in first person.

In my experience I made many stupid decisions along my quest for closure, thinking I need that one last conversation to manipulate someone back into my life, or thinking ill just cut everyone out, or apologize for sending that stupid text or picture- No I don’t actually want anything from you, I’m just on a journey of self destruction, but its ok, because ill continue to justify myself to myself.

When I found myself in the eye of my own storm I thought running away to escape it would be the best option.

So I went to Perth, Western Australia…Alone.

It only dawned on me as I was taking off in the plane what I was actually running away from happened to be the only thing coming with me. – Myself.

Having an anxiety attack on a 4-hour plane ride and never having flown before is the most horrific experience I’ve ever had to go through. I was not at all prepared to spend time isolated in the middle of Perth with myself.

However I guess I had no choice now, I could not turn the plane back around. So I learned to deal with it, I developed an adaptive personality to deal with the range of situations I had thrown myself in post break up.

 

Astoundingly this trip turned out to be the best thing that happened to me. I forgot about Sydney and met so many amazing people, I realized the world is a lot bigger than my little social hub back home and grew an open mind to going with the flow-which is a massive deal for someone with obsessive compulsive disorder.

I learnt to forgive myself, forgive others and move forward without dwelling on the past at all. I came back refreshed, relaxed and had met my best friend- Me

People used to tell me “everything happens for a reason”. If only I had a dollar for every time I said “Bullshit”.

But I can honestly look back now and tell you we all have choices that we make. We usually know the consequences and take the risk. But it’s not about the choices we make, its whether or not we can accept the consequences of those choices.

Now, in spirit of getting all cliché here, I’m not suggesting you run off to Perth when shit hits the fan, being on your own is not for the weak, it is extremely difficult. But you are never where you should not be in your life, you are there to deal with it. Don’t try and escape your past accept it, learn from it and move forward for yourself not for everyone else. We worry so much about everyone else, what everyone else is doing, where they are, updating our feeds with others lives we forget to feed our own lives and forget who we are, never forget who you are.

Those who stick by you through your journey are the ones that deserve to remain in your life.

Of course there were times I was miserable and wanted desperately to return back to 6 months prior- when I was safe and ignorant to the worlds monsters, because I was my own monster.  But the people I know and have now, and the lessons I have learnt are more valuable than being ignorant and feeling safe.

So the answer to closure? 

Seek forgiveness from nobody but yourself.

Make goals for you, wake up every day for you, love you before anyone else and then you will fully understand the way someone is supposed to love you.

There are no guarantees; you will inevitably still make mistakes. Storms can always cross our path, but when you are lost you tend to stay in them longer than someone who is determined to find their way out and continue on their path. You can’t change your past but you can always prepare for a better ending.

I shall leave you with the words of Eric Thomas: I DARE you to spend time on your own.

Anne Archer

May 2014

Relationship status ambiguity: The boundaries of the “commitment free” relationship.

As humans we label everything as a way to know and understand what is. When the Malaysian airlines flight MH370 went missing, it was amazing how the world found it incomprehensible that it could not be located immediately. We are uncomfortable with the unknown and inability to understand, identify and thus label something straight away, forgetting how large and powerful this world is there will always be things we will never understand and therefore cannot identify and label. We need to diagnose everything so that we can rationalize it and control it.

This leads me to a topic I’ve been battling with numerous friends over and now trying to rationalize myself, “When and how do you put a label on a relationship?” Throughout the past week I’ve found myself in conversations on this topic and it always starts with:

“Well, we are seeing each other.” The fact that nobody can comprehend what “seeing each other” actually means is the reason it lacks clear boundaries and remains a vague label.

“Seeing each other” seems so ambiguous and very much commitment free, the fact that the boundaries around “seeing each other” don’t really exist allows an almost commitment free relationship, emphasis on the ”almost” as just because the lines are blurred doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Many people remain in a label free relationship because it is comfortable and works for them until it somehow just phases out. The blurred lines exist when this sort of relationship leaves open options and availability for “cheating” or “non-exclusive hanging out” but is it really a loyalty issue? Or just keeping your options open because you’re not really together…or are you?

It is that stage when you are not completely sure if you are exclusive yet but there are certainly feelings there, regardless of you wanting them there or not. Just because the label is not there on the relationship does not mean feelings are non-existent. My point here is that; if you have developed these feelings, willing or unwillingly and have a genuine interest and connection with them, there is no need to keep other options open and the next step would be to commit.

"Commit" – now that is a scary word. Just because there is no label does that mean there is no commitment? So you can both walk away whenever you want?

This status tends to leave us without control and therefore we cannot grasp where we stand in the relationship, so for a commitment-phobe it would be simple to walk away, even though someone will still end up hurt. This seeing each other phase seems to be more of a safe comfort zone option, so many people, myself included, fear commitment but really enjoy the idea of still having someone there.  I don’t want you too close, or not too far, just there where I’m comfortable with you. I mean really, I have a hard enough time deciding on what I want from the MacDonald’s menu let alone what I want in a relationship.

How do you know if it’s even a date? Or you’re just hanging out? We are all guilty of analyzing, I wont say over analyzing because its only fair we do analyze in the first place. “Let’s chill” and “wanna hang out?” are vague and very common expressions quintessentially instigated by the male.  *Alert ladies* - If their intentions are strictly physical as opposed to your potential relationship objective they will not tell you otherwise and allow you to think this could potentiality evolve into a relationship, that is until they have gotten what they want and you are still hanging around.

Then there is the “I’ll let you know” which means you are NOT a priority. We participate in these mind games of taking forever to text back, acting as if we are uninterested with the intention of igniting interest and a chase - and lets not even get onto the topic of the involvement of social media into his pathetic game. Twisted don’t you agree? Someone who is genuinely interested in you, however trying to seem uninterested for the purpose of game play, looks exactly like someone who is really and absolutely not keen on you at all, good luck deciphering between the two.

We give the benefit of the doubt because we expect decency, giving false hope to a potential nothing, where having any honesty or any relationship with you is not a matter. So it’s a tough balance of being in the comfort zone and still sitting with the ambiguity, which for me, is constant anxiety of having “the talk” to determine what exactly the dynamics of the relationship are because of the fear of coming across too clinging, too interested or just really afraid of the answer. The most daunting fact is that when you are seeing someone there are only two options left to move to:

One: You will be together and committed or, two: It will end - both of these options are equally as terrifying.

As much as we complain about males playing games, women are just as creative in the gaming department. We can be guilty of allowing men to have the idea they will get something out of this to keep them around by leading them on, but lets get real do we really want to be with someone who will take that bait? While human decency is ideal, honesty isn’t mandatory, applying to both sexes.

Personally I’m still finding it difficult to fathom the games we play in this status-less zone and for what reasons nobody will ever know. I have no answer for this one, only a suggestion; if you want to get real I suggest you be real! Don’t be afraid to ask the question, move out of your comfort zone and into thinking and doing for yourself, not participating in the games that are clearly not very fun at all.

Anne Archer 

April 2014

Yeah, I’m single. But you’re not hot or rich enough for me to mingle.

           I would love to comprehend what gives males the idea that it is completely acceptable to feel me up at a club? Or that if they purchase me a $10 drink I am then obligated to remain with them the entire night and sell my integrity all for $10, quite a barging don’t you think?

I mean without judgment, we have all seen some women give it up for a lot less but surely the majority of us know our self worth is way more overpriced? 

Being new on the single scene and now not having a muscly dark handsome man by my side to ward off the desperate scavengers, I’ve begun to question whether I should expect and be subjected to this sort of behavior every time I go out. Do I discreetly enjoy the slight compliment and concept of this low life completely off his face wanting to touch my butt? No, not at all, but I am beginning to understand the psychology of both males and females within this “single scene”, however I’m not sure if that’s providing me with insight, or just making me aware of the lack of effort and romance that seems non existent within my generation.

I used to feel protected being in a relationship when I went out, as If I was part of some higher class, looking down on these single desperados. I now feel as though I can’t go out without being exposed and categorized into the weekend meat market where chivalry is most certainly dead. This past weekends outing made quite apparent that the majority of men have this perception that “all girls are very much the same”. Before leaving to the club, one of the boys in our group somewhat boasted with an announcement:  “I just want to pick up five girls and leave”.

Hearing this I made a pathetic snort under my breath and rolled my eyes at that comment being one of the most conceited things I’ve heard, and could not comprehend purpose of his goal. I realized that he had one intention with these yet-to-be poor victims who fell to his “charm”- and that did not include dinner, unless he was the only one eating.

 Maybe this was bragging, maybe it was insecurity speaking, regardless he had a premeditated intention and from that second consciously objectified every woman, placing them in either one of two categories:

1. She will sleep with me (get her number - call)

2. She won’t sleep with me but she’s attractive enough boost my ego (get her number - never call)

Now I would like to discuss the ladies who fall victim to these charming impersonators, yes that’s all of us girls! It is knowledge that we all seem to already have but completely ignore when we become seduced by these charming toads, so I guess in a sense women are “all the same”. Some lucky girls just pick up on it earlier than others and are smart enough to get out before any damage is done.  Unfortunately I myself was not intelligent enough to run for the hills when I fell for the charm of what was at the time a “rebound guy”; most of us have been there and done that.  Sure, They are fun while the last, they are everything and nothing like your ex, and having your damaged ego stroked feels great - especially when it tastes like lobster dinners, feels like gold class cinemas and looks like Louis Vuitton. 

Unfortunately, his charm is just as fake as the Louie bag and similarly, it falls apart quite quickly. It looked great at the time, but from here on, you know its time to upgrade to something real.

Going through the stages of post break up I found it very difficult to be in my own company however I was forced to be. I confused, being lonely with thinking I’m being independent. But really I was just contradicting myself by being desperately on the prowl- trying to parade my façade of my newfound misconception of  “independence”. I suddenly developed a “type” of guy I was looking for. A bit of that came from rebelling against what I had with my ex, and a bit from meeting this rich, big, scary, tattooed spunk who spoilt me rotten. Quite superficial, I know!

You see I realized the difference between being single and being independent: Just because you’re single does not make you independent.  I was still very much dependent, thus required the superficiality of a rebound relationship with a trophy man to prove to everyone else and myself just how well I have moved on.

What happens is, you force independence on yourself because you are trying to rebel against everything that was your past, and you set standards so high for your next relationship that you feel you will never be in one again.  In-between meeting Mr Right, you settle for whoever will make you feel some kind of happiness at the time. We all thrive on attention; it’s that warm familiar feeling and a comfort zone to retreat to in the unfamiliar, and scary singles society that you’re now part of. We are in search for something we think we want, but when we actually have it, it never fully satisfies.

To those of us who continue to fall into the trap I can tell you that through my constant failures I finally have the answer for you! Women for 100’s of years have wanted to know just how to resolve issues of post-break up healing and here it is… FOCUS ON YOU. 

Very simple, sorry did you expect more?  However in saying that, It is a lot more difficult than what it presents itself to be, so don’t be fooled.

Be strong enough to know you are not ready to move on until you become best friends with you, and only then, when you have stopped searching will something evolve that was meant to be just in time for you.

As cliché as it sounds it was only until I learnt to become my own best friend that I found true contentment and found my self worth, which always will be an ongoing discovery.

Although this age old predicament will never be fully solved and you will never be completely protected from hurt, as long as you love and respect yourself you will come to understand that only you can hurt yourself the most, nobody can damage you like you can. So strengthen yourself, never abandon those who are really there for you, those who truly love you for who you are and not just taking advantage of your vulnerability. Know the difference.

So go on, yourself is waiting to meet you, make sure you leave a good impression because this will be the only certain relationship in your life, respect it.

Anne Archer

April 2014