As humans we label everything as a way to know and
understand what is. When the Malaysian airlines flight MH370 went missing, it
was amazing how the world found it incomprehensible that it could not be
located immediately. We are uncomfortable with the unknown and inability to
understand, identify and thus label something straight away, forgetting how
large and powerful this world is there will always be things we will never
understand and therefore cannot identify and label. We need to diagnose
everything so that we can rationalize it and control it.
This leads me to
a topic I’ve been battling with numerous friends over and now trying to
rationalize myself, “When and how do you put a label on a relationship?” Throughout
the past week I’ve found myself in conversations on this topic and it always
starts with:
“Well, we are seeing each other.” The fact that
nobody can comprehend what “seeing each other” actually means is the reason it
lacks clear boundaries and remains a vague label.
“Seeing each
other” seems so ambiguous and very much commitment free, the fact that the
boundaries around “seeing each other” don’t really exist allows an almost commitment free relationship,
emphasis on the ”almost” as just because the lines are blurred doesn’t mean
they don’t exist. Many people remain in a label free relationship because it is
comfortable and works for them until it somehow just phases out. The blurred
lines exist when this sort of relationship leaves open options and availability
for “cheating” or “non-exclusive hanging out” but is it really a loyalty issue?
Or just keeping your options open because you’re not really together…or are
you?
It is that stage
when you are not completely sure if you are exclusive yet but there are
certainly feelings there, regardless of you wanting them there or not. Just
because the label is not there on the relationship does not mean feelings are
non-existent. My point here is that; if you have developed these feelings,
willing or unwillingly and have a genuine interest and connection with them,
there is no need to keep other options open and the next step would be to
commit.
"Commit" – now that
is a scary word. Just because there is no label does that mean there is no
commitment? So you can both walk away whenever you want?
This status tends
to leave us without control and therefore we cannot grasp where we stand in the
relationship, so for a commitment-phobe it would be simple to walk away, even
though someone will still end up hurt. This seeing
each other phase seems to be more of a safe comfort zone option, so many
people, myself included, fear commitment but really enjoy the idea of still
having someone there. I don’t want you
too close, or not too far, just there where I’m comfortable with you. I mean
really, I have a hard enough time deciding on what I want from the MacDonald’s
menu let alone what I want in a relationship.
How do you know if it’s even a date? Or you’re just hanging out? We are
all guilty of analyzing, I wont say over analyzing because its only fair we do
analyze in the first place. “Let’s chill” and “wanna hang out?” are vague and
very common expressions quintessentially instigated by the male. *Alert ladies* - If their intentions are
strictly physical as opposed to your potential relationship objective they will
not tell you otherwise and allow you to think this could potentiality evolve
into a relationship, that is until they have gotten what they want and you are
still hanging around.
Then there is the “I’ll let you know” which means you are NOT a priority.
We participate in these mind games of taking forever to text back, acting as if
we are uninterested with the intention of igniting interest and a chase - and
lets not even get onto the topic of the involvement of social media into his
pathetic game. Twisted don’t you agree? Someone who is genuinely interested in you,
however trying to seem uninterested for the purpose of game play, looks exactly
like someone who is really and absolutely not keen on you at all, good luck deciphering
between the two.
We give the benefit of the doubt because we
expect decency, giving false hope to a potential nothing, where having any
honesty or any relationship with you is not a matter. So it’s a tough balance of being in the comfort zone
and still sitting with the ambiguity, which for me, is constant anxiety of
having “the talk” to determine what exactly the dynamics of the relationship
are because of the fear of coming across too clinging, too interested or just really
afraid of the answer. The most daunting fact is that when you are seeing
someone there are only two options left to move to:
One: You will be
together and committed or, two: It will end - both of these options are equally
as terrifying.
As much as we complain about males playing
games, women are just as creative in the gaming department. We can be guilty of
allowing men to have the idea they will get something out of this to keep them
around by leading them on, but lets get real do we really want to be with someone
who will take that bait? While human decency is ideal, honesty isn’t mandatory,
applying to both sexes.
Personally I’m still finding it difficult to
fathom the games we play in this status-less zone and for what reasons nobody
will ever know. I have no answer for this one, only a suggestion; if you want
to get real I suggest you be real! Don’t be afraid
to ask the question, move out of your comfort zone and into thinking and doing
for yourself, not participating in the games that are clearly not very fun at
all.
Anne Archer
April 2014
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