Yeah, I’m single. But you’re not hot or rich enough for me to mingle.

           I would love to comprehend what gives males the idea that it is completely acceptable to feel me up at a club? Or that if they purchase me a $10 drink I am then obligated to remain with them the entire night and sell my integrity all for $10, quite a barging don’t you think?

I mean without judgment, we have all seen some women give it up for a lot less but surely the majority of us know our self worth is way more overpriced? 

Being new on the single scene and now not having a muscly dark handsome man by my side to ward off the desperate scavengers, I’ve begun to question whether I should expect and be subjected to this sort of behavior every time I go out. Do I discreetly enjoy the slight compliment and concept of this low life completely off his face wanting to touch my butt? No, not at all, but I am beginning to understand the psychology of both males and females within this “single scene”, however I’m not sure if that’s providing me with insight, or just making me aware of the lack of effort and romance that seems non existent within my generation.

I used to feel protected being in a relationship when I went out, as If I was part of some higher class, looking down on these single desperados. I now feel as though I can’t go out without being exposed and categorized into the weekend meat market where chivalry is most certainly dead. This past weekends outing made quite apparent that the majority of men have this perception that “all girls are very much the same”. Before leaving to the club, one of the boys in our group somewhat boasted with an announcement:  “I just want to pick up five girls and leave”.

Hearing this I made a pathetic snort under my breath and rolled my eyes at that comment being one of the most conceited things I’ve heard, and could not comprehend purpose of his goal. I realized that he had one intention with these yet-to-be poor victims who fell to his “charm”- and that did not include dinner, unless he was the only one eating.

 Maybe this was bragging, maybe it was insecurity speaking, regardless he had a premeditated intention and from that second consciously objectified every woman, placing them in either one of two categories:

1. She will sleep with me (get her number - call)

2. She won’t sleep with me but she’s attractive enough boost my ego (get her number - never call)

Now I would like to discuss the ladies who fall victim to these charming impersonators, yes that’s all of us girls! It is knowledge that we all seem to already have but completely ignore when we become seduced by these charming toads, so I guess in a sense women are “all the same”. Some lucky girls just pick up on it earlier than others and are smart enough to get out before any damage is done.  Unfortunately I myself was not intelligent enough to run for the hills when I fell for the charm of what was at the time a “rebound guy”; most of us have been there and done that.  Sure, They are fun while the last, they are everything and nothing like your ex, and having your damaged ego stroked feels great - especially when it tastes like lobster dinners, feels like gold class cinemas and looks like Louis Vuitton. 

Unfortunately, his charm is just as fake as the Louie bag and similarly, it falls apart quite quickly. It looked great at the time, but from here on, you know its time to upgrade to something real.

Going through the stages of post break up I found it very difficult to be in my own company however I was forced to be. I confused, being lonely with thinking I’m being independent. But really I was just contradicting myself by being desperately on the prowl- trying to parade my façade of my newfound misconception of  “independence”. I suddenly developed a “type” of guy I was looking for. A bit of that came from rebelling against what I had with my ex, and a bit from meeting this rich, big, scary, tattooed spunk who spoilt me rotten. Quite superficial, I know!

You see I realized the difference between being single and being independent: Just because you’re single does not make you independent.  I was still very much dependent, thus required the superficiality of a rebound relationship with a trophy man to prove to everyone else and myself just how well I have moved on.

What happens is, you force independence on yourself because you are trying to rebel against everything that was your past, and you set standards so high for your next relationship that you feel you will never be in one again.  In-between meeting Mr Right, you settle for whoever will make you feel some kind of happiness at the time. We all thrive on attention; it’s that warm familiar feeling and a comfort zone to retreat to in the unfamiliar, and scary singles society that you’re now part of. We are in search for something we think we want, but when we actually have it, it never fully satisfies.

To those of us who continue to fall into the trap I can tell you that through my constant failures I finally have the answer for you! Women for 100’s of years have wanted to know just how to resolve issues of post-break up healing and here it is… FOCUS ON YOU. 

Very simple, sorry did you expect more?  However in saying that, It is a lot more difficult than what it presents itself to be, so don’t be fooled.

Be strong enough to know you are not ready to move on until you become best friends with you, and only then, when you have stopped searching will something evolve that was meant to be just in time for you.

As cliché as it sounds it was only until I learnt to become my own best friend that I found true contentment and found my self worth, which always will be an ongoing discovery.

Although this age old predicament will never be fully solved and you will never be completely protected from hurt, as long as you love and respect yourself you will come to understand that only you can hurt yourself the most, nobody can damage you like you can. So strengthen yourself, never abandon those who are really there for you, those who truly love you for who you are and not just taking advantage of your vulnerability. Know the difference.

So go on, yourself is waiting to meet you, make sure you leave a good impression because this will be the only certain relationship in your life, respect it.

Anne Archer

April 2014