Relationship status ambiguity: The boundaries of the “commitment free” relationship.

As humans we label everything as a way to know and understand what is. When the Malaysian airlines flight MH370 went missing, it was amazing how the world found it incomprehensible that it could not be located immediately. We are uncomfortable with the unknown and inability to understand, identify and thus label something straight away, forgetting how large and powerful this world is there will always be things we will never understand and therefore cannot identify and label. We need to diagnose everything so that we can rationalize it and control it.

This leads me to a topic I’ve been battling with numerous friends over and now trying to rationalize myself, “When and how do you put a label on a relationship?” Throughout the past week I’ve found myself in conversations on this topic and it always starts with:

“Well, we are seeing each other.” The fact that nobody can comprehend what “seeing each other” actually means is the reason it lacks clear boundaries and remains a vague label.

“Seeing each other” seems so ambiguous and very much commitment free, the fact that the boundaries around “seeing each other” don’t really exist allows an almost commitment free relationship, emphasis on the ”almost” as just because the lines are blurred doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Many people remain in a label free relationship because it is comfortable and works for them until it somehow just phases out. The blurred lines exist when this sort of relationship leaves open options and availability for “cheating” or “non-exclusive hanging out” but is it really a loyalty issue? Or just keeping your options open because you’re not really together…or are you?

It is that stage when you are not completely sure if you are exclusive yet but there are certainly feelings there, regardless of you wanting them there or not. Just because the label is not there on the relationship does not mean feelings are non-existent. My point here is that; if you have developed these feelings, willing or unwillingly and have a genuine interest and connection with them, there is no need to keep other options open and the next step would be to commit.

"Commit" – now that is a scary word. Just because there is no label does that mean there is no commitment? So you can both walk away whenever you want?

This status tends to leave us without control and therefore we cannot grasp where we stand in the relationship, so for a commitment-phobe it would be simple to walk away, even though someone will still end up hurt. This seeing each other phase seems to be more of a safe comfort zone option, so many people, myself included, fear commitment but really enjoy the idea of still having someone there.  I don’t want you too close, or not too far, just there where I’m comfortable with you. I mean really, I have a hard enough time deciding on what I want from the MacDonald’s menu let alone what I want in a relationship.

How do you know if it’s even a date? Or you’re just hanging out? We are all guilty of analyzing, I wont say over analyzing because its only fair we do analyze in the first place. “Let’s chill” and “wanna hang out?” are vague and very common expressions quintessentially instigated by the male.  *Alert ladies* - If their intentions are strictly physical as opposed to your potential relationship objective they will not tell you otherwise and allow you to think this could potentiality evolve into a relationship, that is until they have gotten what they want and you are still hanging around.

Then there is the “I’ll let you know” which means you are NOT a priority. We participate in these mind games of taking forever to text back, acting as if we are uninterested with the intention of igniting interest and a chase - and lets not even get onto the topic of the involvement of social media into his pathetic game. Twisted don’t you agree? Someone who is genuinely interested in you, however trying to seem uninterested for the purpose of game play, looks exactly like someone who is really and absolutely not keen on you at all, good luck deciphering between the two.

We give the benefit of the doubt because we expect decency, giving false hope to a potential nothing, where having any honesty or any relationship with you is not a matter. So it’s a tough balance of being in the comfort zone and still sitting with the ambiguity, which for me, is constant anxiety of having “the talk” to determine what exactly the dynamics of the relationship are because of the fear of coming across too clinging, too interested or just really afraid of the answer. The most daunting fact is that when you are seeing someone there are only two options left to move to:

One: You will be together and committed or, two: It will end - both of these options are equally as terrifying.

As much as we complain about males playing games, women are just as creative in the gaming department. We can be guilty of allowing men to have the idea they will get something out of this to keep them around by leading them on, but lets get real do we really want to be with someone who will take that bait? While human decency is ideal, honesty isn’t mandatory, applying to both sexes.

Personally I’m still finding it difficult to fathom the games we play in this status-less zone and for what reasons nobody will ever know. I have no answer for this one, only a suggestion; if you want to get real I suggest you be real! Don’t be afraid to ask the question, move out of your comfort zone and into thinking and doing for yourself, not participating in the games that are clearly not very fun at all.

Anne Archer 

April 2014

Yeah, I’m single. But you’re not hot or rich enough for me to mingle.

           I would love to comprehend what gives males the idea that it is completely acceptable to feel me up at a club? Or that if they purchase me a $10 drink I am then obligated to remain with them the entire night and sell my integrity all for $10, quite a barging don’t you think?

I mean without judgment, we have all seen some women give it up for a lot less but surely the majority of us know our self worth is way more overpriced? 

Being new on the single scene and now not having a muscly dark handsome man by my side to ward off the desperate scavengers, I’ve begun to question whether I should expect and be subjected to this sort of behavior every time I go out. Do I discreetly enjoy the slight compliment and concept of this low life completely off his face wanting to touch my butt? No, not at all, but I am beginning to understand the psychology of both males and females within this “single scene”, however I’m not sure if that’s providing me with insight, or just making me aware of the lack of effort and romance that seems non existent within my generation.

I used to feel protected being in a relationship when I went out, as If I was part of some higher class, looking down on these single desperados. I now feel as though I can’t go out without being exposed and categorized into the weekend meat market where chivalry is most certainly dead. This past weekends outing made quite apparent that the majority of men have this perception that “all girls are very much the same”. Before leaving to the club, one of the boys in our group somewhat boasted with an announcement:  “I just want to pick up five girls and leave”.

Hearing this I made a pathetic snort under my breath and rolled my eyes at that comment being one of the most conceited things I’ve heard, and could not comprehend purpose of his goal. I realized that he had one intention with these yet-to-be poor victims who fell to his “charm”- and that did not include dinner, unless he was the only one eating.

 Maybe this was bragging, maybe it was insecurity speaking, regardless he had a premeditated intention and from that second consciously objectified every woman, placing them in either one of two categories:

1. She will sleep with me (get her number - call)

2. She won’t sleep with me but she’s attractive enough boost my ego (get her number - never call)

Now I would like to discuss the ladies who fall victim to these charming impersonators, yes that’s all of us girls! It is knowledge that we all seem to already have but completely ignore when we become seduced by these charming toads, so I guess in a sense women are “all the same”. Some lucky girls just pick up on it earlier than others and are smart enough to get out before any damage is done.  Unfortunately I myself was not intelligent enough to run for the hills when I fell for the charm of what was at the time a “rebound guy”; most of us have been there and done that.  Sure, They are fun while the last, they are everything and nothing like your ex, and having your damaged ego stroked feels great - especially when it tastes like lobster dinners, feels like gold class cinemas and looks like Louis Vuitton. 

Unfortunately, his charm is just as fake as the Louie bag and similarly, it falls apart quite quickly. It looked great at the time, but from here on, you know its time to upgrade to something real.

Going through the stages of post break up I found it very difficult to be in my own company however I was forced to be. I confused, being lonely with thinking I’m being independent. But really I was just contradicting myself by being desperately on the prowl- trying to parade my façade of my newfound misconception of  “independence”. I suddenly developed a “type” of guy I was looking for. A bit of that came from rebelling against what I had with my ex, and a bit from meeting this rich, big, scary, tattooed spunk who spoilt me rotten. Quite superficial, I know!

You see I realized the difference between being single and being independent: Just because you’re single does not make you independent.  I was still very much dependent, thus required the superficiality of a rebound relationship with a trophy man to prove to everyone else and myself just how well I have moved on.

What happens is, you force independence on yourself because you are trying to rebel against everything that was your past, and you set standards so high for your next relationship that you feel you will never be in one again.  In-between meeting Mr Right, you settle for whoever will make you feel some kind of happiness at the time. We all thrive on attention; it’s that warm familiar feeling and a comfort zone to retreat to in the unfamiliar, and scary singles society that you’re now part of. We are in search for something we think we want, but when we actually have it, it never fully satisfies.

To those of us who continue to fall into the trap I can tell you that through my constant failures I finally have the answer for you! Women for 100’s of years have wanted to know just how to resolve issues of post-break up healing and here it is… FOCUS ON YOU. 

Very simple, sorry did you expect more?  However in saying that, It is a lot more difficult than what it presents itself to be, so don’t be fooled.

Be strong enough to know you are not ready to move on until you become best friends with you, and only then, when you have stopped searching will something evolve that was meant to be just in time for you.

As cliché as it sounds it was only until I learnt to become my own best friend that I found true contentment and found my self worth, which always will be an ongoing discovery.

Although this age old predicament will never be fully solved and you will never be completely protected from hurt, as long as you love and respect yourself you will come to understand that only you can hurt yourself the most, nobody can damage you like you can. So strengthen yourself, never abandon those who are really there for you, those who truly love you for who you are and not just taking advantage of your vulnerability. Know the difference.

So go on, yourself is waiting to meet you, make sure you leave a good impression because this will be the only certain relationship in your life, respect it.

Anne Archer

April 2014